So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
