Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
