Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
