I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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