K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
