i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
