I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
