If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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