sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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