The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
