I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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