i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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