She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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