I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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