We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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