so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
