If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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