mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
