i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
