I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
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i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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