So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
