so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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