i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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