so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm like, not good at living.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
