some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
