Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher