just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?