Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
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I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??