apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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