He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
