Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
