If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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