So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
