Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize