Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
