dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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