he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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