i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
