You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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