When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
