If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going