So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
