Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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