I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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