i jhust puked up my retainher.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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