True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
