a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
