but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
