Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
