I wish I could teleport
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
