Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize