Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
