All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
