She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
