Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
