At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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