The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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