if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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