This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
