Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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