You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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