it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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