smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
