no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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